Why Do You Do What You Do?

Behind Every Attitude is a Need - NVC

Previously, I talked about needs in other articles when discussing Non-Violent Communication (NVC). Today, I want to revisit this topic because the current cosmic energy might be bringing us a lot of discomfort.

According to Marshall B. Rosenberg, behind every attitude lies an unmet need. When we say “no,” it’s actually a “yes” to our need; likewise, when someone else says “no,” it’s a “yes” to their need.

We often act unconsciously, unaware that our attitude is a response to a need. The aim of this article is to help you reflect on which unmet needs are driving your behaviors. Because, trust me, there is always a reason behind what we do.

Human Needs

Last week, I participated in a famous event by Tony Robbins, an extraordinary individual who has helped thousands of people. I've followed him since my twenties, but until recently, I hadn’t had the chance to attend his events.

For over a year now, I've been more intensively learning from him, and I can honestly say he's one of the mentors who’s deeply impacted my life. If I'm honest, he exemplifies what I aspire to be—his energy, sensitivity, compassion, and dedication to service inspire me.

During this event, we worked extensively on understanding human needs. Although I knew much of this already, it helped me organize and dive deeper into this knowledge.

Tony taught me that there are six human needs, which everyone has, though we don’t value each one equally. This difference in how we value these needs is what causes conflict and disconnect.

As I share each of these needs, I encourage you to reflect on your own life, being as honest as possible. As John Spence says, “We cannot change what we refuse to confront.”

1. Certainty
   We all need a sense of security and stability. We want to feel that our basic needs—food, shelter, and other material resources—are met. When we can’t find this certainty in external things, we often seek it in mental states, like optimism or faith in something that promises stability.

2. Uncertainty/Variety
   Sometimes, what we crave most is change, variety, and unpredictability. We seek emotional or physical shifts, whether through changing environments, activities, humor, or even food and social circles.

3. Significance
   This need relates to wanting to feel special and important. We often seek recognition from others—be it in the workplace, family, or community. It could also come from material possessions, intelligence, or the role we play in relationships.

4. Love/Connection
   We all desire to feel loved and connected, whether with other people, animals, ideals, or values. This connection can manifest as love, but it can also be about belonging or spiritual connection.

5. Growth
   In the universe, nothing truly dies—it transforms. Growth, regardless of how much we’ve achieved, is essential. Without feeling like we're growing, we become unhappy, regardless of wealth or love.

6. Contribution
   Lastly, we have the need to give back, to contribute to others as a way of returning the support we've received. This need brings joy, purpose, and fulfillment.

Valued Needs

While we all have these needs, we don't value them equally. Some people prioritize one over others, which affects how we relate to one another.

Reflecting on my own life, I recognize which needs I've prioritized over the past decade—and how that has shifted depending on my life stage.

Focusing on certain needs means sacrificing others. For example, I’ve prioritized growth and variety, which led me to travel, discover new cultures, and learn new skills. However, I neglected certainty—stability and security—leaving me uncertain about my future.

Eclipses in Aries-Libra

Yesterday, we experienced a lunar eclipse in Libra, and in two weeks, a solar eclipse in Aries will follow. This axis challenges our relationships and shows us our attachments, co-dependencies, and repetitive behaviors aimed at avoiding conflict or pleasing others.

At the same time, it encourages us to move forward with confidence, to recognize what we want to begin, and to prioritize ourselves. Are you holding back on pursuing what you truly desire because you fear upsetting others or believe it’s wrong to focus on yourself?

Which Needs Do You Value?

Conflicts arise when we’re unclear about which needs we prioritize. For example, if you value love and connection above all, but now feel the need to focus on growth and pursue something personal, you might find it difficult to balance these needs.

The key is finding balance. If you’ve spent 100% of your time meeting one need, try shifting some energy toward another need you’ve neglected.

What Consequences Has Valuing That Need Brought You?

To conclude, I encourage you to reflect on how prioritizing certain needs has impacted your life. Recognizing the consequences of your choices can help you re-evaluate and realign with your true desires, especially during the eclipse season.

What would it look like if you focused on different needs now? What actions can you take today to start working on them?

I hope this reflection serves you as much as it has helped me.

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