Who Do I Want to Be in a Relationship?
In my previous article, I discussed emotional responsibility and shared some indicators that can help us assess whether we’re being responsible in our relationships.
This week, I want to address emotional irresponsibility. I’m by no means an expert on the topic, but I do want to speak from my own experience. I’ve had many difficult situations, and for over a decade, I’ve been doing personal work with the aim of cultivating better relationships—not only with myself but also with others.
What I Expect vs. What I Give
Often, we focus on what we expect from others, constantly checking whether they meet our needs, and we tend to act based on that. We expect the other person to change while we stay the same. The blame always falls on the other person. What we often forget is that in a relationship, the responsibility lies with both parties.
When I forget this and act unconsciously, driven by my patterns, beliefs, and expectations, I end up doing things that cause pain for both myself and the other person.
Emotional Irresponsibility
I want to mention some behaviors that lead to emotional irresponsibility. Some are more subtle than others, but the point is to reflect on them. This isn't about judging ourselves or feeling guilty; it’s about becoming aware of these attitudes so we can work on them and learn how to build healthier relationships.
I also want to remind you that, from the perspective of unity consciousness, the other person doesn’t exist separately; I’m always projecting myself outward. This means that if I experience any of these situations, it’s because, at some point or in some other area of my life, I’ve done the same…
Ghosting
The first behavior I want to address is ghosting, which literally means “disappearing like a ghost.” This behavior is common today and causes pain.
Ghosting happens when someone suddenly stops communicating without explanation. They stop answering messages, and just vanish. According to Nilda Chiaraviglio, this behavior often stems from low self-esteem and a deep inner emptiness. The person craves being seen and heard, but once that attention is received, the emptiness remains, so they disappear and seek someone else to fill that void.
What’s interesting is that if I attract a person with these traits, as I mentioned earlier, it’s likely that I’m also projecting similar characteristics. If I start a relationship from a place of inner emptiness, the result will also be emptiness. A question I can ask myself, as Nilda suggests, is: What was I needing in my life at that moment? What did that person’s disappearance teach me?
Personally, while I’ve been ghosted many times, I’ve also been guilty of ghosting others. Reflecting on my own experiences, I’ve realized that ghosting was the only way I knew to exit relationships where I struggled to set boundaries.
As I shared in a previous article, setting healthy boundaries has always been difficult for me. My pattern was to give everything I had, like Nilda says, from a place of inner emptiness. But eventually, I would burn out, feeling like I had nothing left to give. When I reached that point, ghosting seemed like the only way out since I lacked the assertiveness to confront the situation directly.
Zombing
This term is related to ghosting. After someone has disappeared without a trace, sometimes they return as if nothing happened. Have you experienced this?
The person stops responding and suddenly, after a while, reappears, asking how you’re doing or if you want to hang out, but without addressing the past or giving any explanation. They may even act as though the disappearance never occurred or even turn the tables if you bring it up.
This behavior is more common than we think. In fact, it happened to a friend of mine recently. What I can say is that if someone disappears and reappears, the pattern may repeat itself unless the underlying issue is addressed.
Unilaterally Open Relationships
Open relationships are becoming more popular, and I have nothing against them. The issue arises when the decision to have an open relationship is made unilaterally—when one person decides it’s an open relationship without consulting their partner.
This is infidelity. The moment I decide to open my relationship without my partner’s knowledge, I’m violating the principles of mutual respect and empathy that we discussed in the previous article. I’m only considering my own needs and neglecting the needs of my partner.
I can ask myself: What’s happening within me? Is it that, as Nilda says, I feel an inner emptiness that I expect my partner to fill, and when they don’t, I look elsewhere for that fulfillment? Or do I fear being alone and, instead of ending the relationship, seek someone outside to complete what I can’t fulfill at home?
I’ve encountered situations where someone I was getting to know revealed that they had “multiple open relationships.” In these cases, honesty is key, as it allows the other person to make an informed choice. Thanks to this openness, I was able to walk away because it wasn’t what I wanted for myself, and I was able to recognize and work on my projections.
Remember, there’s no absolute right or wrong, but there are constructive and destructive outcomes. What matters is the result of our decisions. Ultimately, it all comes down to one thing: self-love. Until I do the personal work to heal my inner emptiness, nothing or no one outside will fill that void.
Benching
Benching happens when a person is in a relationship, but keeps another person “on the bench,” as a backup or substitute. This person is kept waiting, hoping to be chosen one day.
Often, the person in the primary relationship makes false promises, saying their relationship is bad or that they never see their partner, creating false hope in the other person who continues to wait.
We can see a lack of self-worth and respect on both sides. While I’ve never experienced this situation directly, I have been in a scenario where someone couldn’t decide whether to be with me, constantly coming and going. I can tell you, it’s a form of emotional torture that only leads to suffering and a loss of self-esteem.
If you're experiencing this, don’t stay waiting. Work on your self-worth, love yourself deeply, and step off the bench. When I “wait” for someone to choose me, I’m sending a message to the universe that says “wait,” and nothing will come of it. You deserve a person who gives you attention, respect, and values you.
Stalking
Stalking is a well-known behavior that involves spying on or even harassing someone, whether online, through their phone, or in person. I’ve been on both sides of this—I've confessed to having “spied” on someone who caught my interest, but I’ve also been stalked, and it’s never pleasant.
The question we need to reflect on is: Why do I feel the need to do this? What do I gain from spying on someone? If I’m interested in this person, why not just reach out to them directly and see what happens? Or, if I’m the one being stalked, I can ask myself: What unconscious patterns are leading me to attract this kind of behavior into my life?
Haunting
Haunting is similar to stalking. It happens when someone who was once part of your life reappears in subtle ways, like liking your posts on social media. This person may not engage in direct conversation, but they make their presence known. It may seem harmless, but in some situations, it can create false hope or illusions, depending on the context.
Breadcrumbing
Breadcrumbing happens when someone sends small gestures of interest—like occasional messages or promises of a future meeting—to keep the other person hopeful, but ultimately nothing materializes. I went through this a couple of years ago. I met someone online, and for the first week, we had constant communication. But soon, the messages became less frequent, and after a while, I realized that they were only sending sporadic updates about being “busy” and promising to meet, but never actually making it happen. This lasted for over two months until I realized what was happening and ended the conversation.
Awareness and Coherence
As I mentioned at the beginning, the purpose of this article is to raise awareness about our own behaviors. We need to work on our self-love, self-worth, and self-respect, rather than constantly demanding these things from others.
Years ago, I didn’t have half the awareness I have today, and it was much easier to fall into these patterns. Today, before getting into any relationship, I mentally prepare myself with this information and remind myself: Don’t do what you don’t want others to do to you. Sometimes I do better, and sometimes I slip up. The key is to notice and work on changing it. That’s why I always ask myself: Who do I want to be in a relationship?
Along with awareness comes coherence. If I know what I want, I stay focused on my goal and don’t stray from it. I remain true to my heart, my thoughts, my words, and my actions… And you? Do you know what you want and who you want to be in a relationship?