Do You Know About Non-Violent Communication?
I know I’ve mentioned Non-Violent Communication (NVC) many times, but for the past few weeks, I’ve been discussing it with my clients in our sessions. I realized that I didn’t have a well-organized and structured resource to share with them.
Throughout last year, I shared Instagram posts and exercises for practice. In fact, I even created a highlight story, which I’m linking here in case you want to check it out. In this article, I’d like to organize all that information in a way that makes it easy and practical to apply. So, let’s get started…
What Is NVC About?
Dr. Marshall B. Rosenberg, a clinical psychologist and educator, developed this method because he sincerely wanted to bring compassion and understanding to human relationships—something we often lack.
NVC focuses on CONNECTION, active and honest listening, and demonstrating empathy when we interact with others. It teaches us to observe our needs and the needs of the other person. It helps us recognize that the person in front of us is another human being with their own feelings and needs. NVC shows us that behind every action, there is a need. When we fail to recognize or express it, we end up generating guilt, shame, judgment, criticism, demands, and ultimately, violence.
When I first learned about NVC, I nearly cried realizing how violent my communication was—even in ways I never thought could be considered violent. For example, when someone told me something, I used to respond, “That happens to me too,” and immediately started talking about myself instead of giving them space to finish expressing themselves. Has that ever happened to you? We don’t realize it because no one teaches us this, but it’s fundamental.
Another lesson NVC taught me was how attached we are to the emotions that arise from unmet needs—not just our own, but those of others. I’ve always been very sensitive and deeply attuned to people’s emotions. Whenever I was around someone who was struggling, I would take on their problems and end up feeling just as bad—or even worse. That’s why NVC helped me so much.
Emotional Stages
From what I’ve learned, the emotional stages are:
Emotional Hijacking: My emotions take over, and I lose awareness of what I’m saying or doing.
Emotional Contagion: I absorb and carry the other person’s emotions as if they were my own.
Empathy: I can put myself in their shoes and identify with their pain, but I remain aware that it is not mine.
Compassion: I understand their pain and recognize that their experience will help them grow. This allows me to stay centered and support them with the resources I have, without taking on their burden.
Core Principles of NVC
Empathy vs. Sympathy
Empathy is one of the core principles of NVC, and it’s important to start here to develop a more compassionate way of communicating.
In this video by Brené Brown, she explains the key difference between empathy and sympathy. Empathy creates CONNECTION, while sympathy leads to DISCONNECTION.
Brené explains that empathy is the ability to take another person’s perspective. It helps us avoid judgment, recognize emotions in others, and express understanding.
But in order to be empathetic, I need to connect with the part of myself that knows that feeling...
Sympathy, on the other hand, tries to bypass the emotional state. Instead of recognizing the feeling within myself, I try to make the other person stop feeling that way. This often leads to phrases like:
“Just forget about it, let’s go do something fun.”
“You’ll find someone else soon.”
“Don’t be sad about that.”
“At least…” (e.g., “I failed a class.” → “At least you can study; many people can’t.”)
When someone is going through an emotional experience, what they truly need is to feel heard, accompanied, and understood. Sometimes, nothing needs to be said—just being present, giving a hug, or thanking them for sharing can be enough. Once empathy has been established, then we can use sympathy to help them move forward.
Obstacles to Empathy
I have to tell you—this is not as simple as it sounds. That’s why I’m sharing a list of common obstacles to empathy so we can check in with ourselves whenever needed:
Giving Advice: Sometimes, people don’t want us to tell them what to do; they just want to be heard.
Comforting: Showing pity may make someone uncomfortable, or it could reinforce a victim mindset.
Aligning with Their Pain: Saying things like, “I can’t believe this happened to you” and getting swept up in their emotions only amplifies their state.
Judging: Expressing feelings can be difficult, and if someone opens up only to receive criticism, they may shut down or resist even more.
Educating: Playing the role of “I told you so” or “you should do this” doesn’t create connection. Instead, it may make the other person feel small and pull away.
Telling Our Own Stories: If someone is in distress and needs to express themselves, they won’t feel heard if we shift the focus to ourselves.
Competing in Suffering: Responding to their struggles by talking about our own pain shifts the focus away from them.
Changing the Subject: When we don’t know what to say or feel uncomfortable holding space for someone’s emotions, we might change the topic. Instead of disconnecting, we can be honest and say, “I don’t know what to say, but I’m here for you. You’re not alone.”
Even though these behaviors usually come from a good place, they create barriers to connection and pull us away from empathy. The goal is to create a space where the other person feels understood, supported, and truly heard. Here’s another video about empathy if you’d like to dive deeper.
Authenticity
The second core principle of NVC is authenticity. Many times, communication conflicts arise because we’re unable to express what we truly feel. Instead, we expect the other person to “just know” or “figure out” what’s wrong.
But the truth is, the other person isn’t a mind reader. Worse, they’ll interpret our behavior based on their own mental filters.
Being authentic means being aligned with myself, showing up as I truly am, and expressing what I feel. However, due to societal conditioning and beliefs, we often don’t do this. Instead, we project responsibility onto others.
NVC teaches that authenticity is essential for creating genuine connection. But there are two key points to keep in mind:
Empathy should come first—if I go through life being “authentic” without empathy, I’ll create resistance and disconnection. I need to be aware of the other person’s perspective.
Being authentic doesn’t mean the other person must agree with me—it simply clarifies my stance and prevents misunderstandings.
Just like empathy, authenticity may seem simple, but it often isn’t. I still struggle with expressing my needs sometimes. It’s like peeling back layers of an onion, shedding beliefs, judgments, and fears about how others will react if I say, do, or show who I truly am. But remember—if I vibrate in coherence, life responds in coherence. So I start with myself.
In the next article, I’ll talk about the steps of NVC. Meanwhile, I invite you to practice these principles—empathy and authenticity—so you can start preparing yourself.
As I always tell my clients, you can journal your reflections to become more aware of when you use sympathy instead of empathy or when you encounter obstacles to empathy. Happy exploring!