Let’s Keep Learning About NVC
In the previous article, I introduced you to the core principles of Non-Violent Communication (NVC), discussed the obstacles we often encounter, and how these can lead us into violence and disconnection from others.
This week, I want to talk about the steps we can apply to start fostering more connection with others and building better relationships based on empathy and authenticity.
The Four Steps of NVC
NVC is divided into four steps. Once we learn them, we can integrate them, and you’ll see that, in reality, they occur simultaneously. However, to achieve this, we must be conscious.
1. Observation vs. Interpretation
The first step in NVC is observation, and the most important aspect is learning to distinguish between observation and interpretation to avoid having a clouded perception.
To do this, we must learn to describe situations objectively so that we can neutralize what we see and hear without contaminating it with our own stories.
The key is to focus on the facts—to observe and describe what is actually happening—and set aside any personal narratives that might create resistance in the person with whom we want to communicate.
Every time we see or hear something, we interpret it through our mental filters, often unconsciously. This is what we must learn to recognize and avoid. As my mentor Enric says, we must cultivate an innocent mind that neither judges nor interprets, allowing us to see beyond. Here are some examples to illustrate this concept.
2. Feeling vs. Pseudo-feeling
The second step in NVC is recognizing true feelings. The goal of NVC is to create connection between people through empathy and authenticity. To do this, we first observe instead of interpreting, and then we recognize our true feelings to express them accurately.
Feelings are linked to a need that is either being met or not, and they are solely related to us.
When we talk about pseudo-feelings, there is always an implied external agent causing what we feel. However, this is not entirely true. We might believe we feel a certain way because "someone did something to us," but in reality, that person is just a trigger, not the root cause. As A Course in Miracles states: “I am never upset for the reason I think.”
Examples of Feelings vs. Pseudo-feelings
A simple way to recognize a true feeling is to start with the phrase "I am...": I am sad, tired, angry, confused…
But what happens if I say, "I am misunderstood, manipulated, attacked"? It sounds strange, doesn’t it? To say these phrases, we would need to use "I feel…": "I feel misunderstood, manipulated, threatened, attacked." This then prompts the question: by whom? Who is threatening, manipulating, or not understanding me? At this point, we involve a third party, which makes it a pseudo-feeling.
To uncover the real feeling behind this, we can ask ourselves: What is making me feel misunderstood/manipulated/threatened/attacked? The answer will lead us to the true feeling—it could be sadness, anger, fear, anxiety, etc.
True feelings create connection, whereas pseudo-feelings create resistance and disconnection because they communicate through blame. If I say, “I feel ignored because you always arrive late” (pseudo-feeling), what I might actually be feeling is anger (true feeling) because punctuality is important to me, though it may not be to the other person. Recognizing this is key.
3. Language of Blame vs. Language of Needs
The third step in NVC is recognizing and expressing our needs. Most of the time, we communicate using the language of blame, where we make the other person responsible for our emotions, creating resistance and disconnection.
If, instead, we focused on identifying what truly bothers us and recognizing the unmet need behind it, we would see that our emotional state is not caused by someone else's actions but rather by an unmet expectation we had.
Examples of Blame Language vs. Needs-Based Language
Saying, "I am angry because you arrived late for dinner" is an example of blame language, as it assumes that my anger is due to the other person’s lateness. If we transform this into needs-based language, we could say:
"I am angry because punctuality is important to me."
"I am upset because I chose to wait, and now my food is cold."
"I was excited to share this meal with you, but I didn’t express that."
"I waited for you to notify me that you’d be late instead of calling to ask."
The key here is recognizing the unmet need behind our emotions. Self-inquiry is fundamental. Once we identify it, we can express it responsibly without blaming the other person.
The goal is to help the other person understand how we feel and what we need to avoid misinterpretations, fostering connection and understanding through love, vulnerability, and authenticity.
4. Language of Requests
The final step in NVC is learning how to make requests. Once we recognize our needs, it is crucial to learn how to ask for them in a way that fosters connection with the other person. Most of the time, we do not know how to do this effectively, leading to vague or indirect requests that others do not understand.
For example, saying, “That plant is dying” or “The dishes won’t wash themselves” is not a clear request. What do I actually want? Instead of speaking ambiguously, I could say:
"Could you water that plant? It’s very dry."
"Could you wash the dishes? I have a lot of work and don’t want them to stay dirty all day."
If the mess bothers me that much, I can also choose to clean it myself.
Another common mistake is making demands instead of requests, which also leads to disconnection. NVC reminds us that every no we receive is actually a yes to the other person’s own needs. This is why we must reconnect with empathy and try to understand the other person’s reasons for declining our request.
The key to making effective requests is assertiveness and being as specific as possible, so there is no doubt about what we are asking for. Even if our request is not granted, being authentic and empathetic still fosters connection.
I allow myself to be vulnerable and let go of the expectation that things should always go my way…
Vulnerability
I’d like to end this article by discussing vulnerability. This is a powerful word that is often misunderstood. I have heard many people say, “Oh, that’s weakness.” However, vulnerability is far from weakness; it is the core of all meaningful human experiences.
Vulnerability means courage, connection, and love. We need it to open our hearts and build deep, authentic relationships.
Of course, vulnerability also involves uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure, as Brené Brown defines it, which can trigger fear and insecurity. But it is the only way to truly love.
Common Myths About Vulnerability
Vulnerability is weakness. Not at all—opening up to someone requires immense strength and courage (which literally means "acting with the heart").
I don’t need vulnerability. Oh, but you do. You cannot avoid the risk of uncertainty or emotional exposure at some point.
Vulnerability means sharing my entire life. No, it requires reciprocity and trust. It is about sharing emotions with those who have earned the right to hear them.
I can do it all alone. This is a common mask. We are social beings and need connection.
“When we dare to take off the armor that protects us from feeling vulnerable, we open ourselves to experiences that bring purpose and meaning to our lives.” – Brené Brown
Here’s a video on vulnerability. I invite you to practice these concepts as you prepare for eclipse season, where the main themes will be relationships and the balance between individuality and sharing with others.